Entering the Holiday Season...
Thanksgiving this year hit my like a tsunami.
The week began with marking 5 months without our baby girl.
And it’s truly just gotten harder and harder.
It’s now been almost six months since we’ve held our baby. Almost six months since we had to give her back. Almost six long months of postpartum plus a broken heart.
Almost six months and the approaching holiday season also means that our baby girl has slipped from the minds and hearts of the rest of the world. We understand. Life keeps chugging along and the days continue to pass.
Almost six months of carving out our new normal. Back to work and school. Back to running errands. Back to life obligations. We’re good, right?
Wrong.
Oh how I was wrong.
We have our Thanksgiving routine down by now. Cook, eat, nap, watch a Christmas movie. This year was planned out the same.
Thanksgiving isn’t my favorite holiday of the year, so I figured I would be good on the grief train for this one.
Andddddd the turkey was out of the oven just in time for me to crawl into the back of the closet and sob. Full on shaking, snotty, numb cheeked sobs.
So, I ate my Thanksgiving meal in the bathtub this year.
Because that’s what my heart wanted to do. Because the thought of a warm bubble bath is the only thing that got me out of the closet.
Because I wasn’t ready to face the empty spot at the table.
That’s the thing I’m learning about grief. It’s not linear - there’s no path. One minute you’re mashing potatoes and the next the dog is licking tears off your face.
I’m learning it’s okay to eat the biggest meal of the year wherever in the hell you want to. It’s okay to do exactly what you need exactly when you need to do it.
2020 clearly isn’t following the rules so there’s no reason I should.
Maybe I’ll find myself having Christmas lunch curled up with my dog in bed.
My heart is still shattered on the floor of the closet, and that’s probably where it’ll stay through the new year.
If you have a grieving person in your life, hold them extra close these next few weeks. Whether they show it or not, they’re probably one gust of wind away from crumbling before your eyes.
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I hope that these songs shine a little bit of light on your day today. Know that you’re not alone in these hard times, and it’s okay to “get it out” in any way that you can. Music is such a great escape, but it’s also one of the few forms of art that can put words to feelings that are hard to describe.