You Don't See Everything

“You don’t see everything.

You might see the tiny clothes that we keep hung up in our closet; the dresses, the skirts, the bows. Every bottle, bib, and pacifier - anxiously waiting to be used.

Shoes to be worn. A crib to be filled.

But you don’t see the strife of trying to decide what to do with it all...

Should we hold on to it for the future? Should we just give it to somebody who will use it?

You might see the breakdowns.

The daily struggles with the smallest things. The difficulty of staying focused. Trying to be productive. But you don’t see the unrelenting, internal feud...

Should we spend today planning for the end? Or just live in the moment while we still have her?

You might see our weekly visits to the doctor. The faces that we look upon for guidance, now veiled. The warmth of human contact, abolished. We must carry on, despite the pandemic.

But you don’t see the crescendo of angst that washes over us as we listen for a heartbeat that we know won’t last.

Should we record it again? Will this be the last time we ever hear it?

You might see the times that we had to step away to let waves of emotions ebb and flow. Feelings triggered without warning. Happy for the time we still have. Sad because we already know the ending.

But you don’t see the mental disharmony. Opposing emotions clashing together all at once.

She wouldn’t want us to feel sad. Should we feel bad if we’re feeling happy?

You don’t see these things.

We thought we knew who we were.

You will see who we become.”

—

Jon Henning

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